Into The Clouds

The storm rolls in, and with it, the walls of my world press in.  Blinded by the flurries, I panic. To get stuck and be isolated--these are what drive me to hold tight, white-knuckled, ignoring the voice of logic in it's mad plea to cease. I flip on the hazards, as though I believe my distress will excuse my ignorance, I proceed. I grow tense. I go faster, blindly entering  territories I am not qualified to navigate, I am out of control. I am thrown off the road in a skid, completely turned around. Buried. Deep....  Alone. 

Perspective. Seeing your world, THE world through a different window..the window of a God elevated above the situation..watching, knowing, moving. 

The perspective from above, flying high beneath the wings of an eagle...this perspective? Changes everything. Beautiful. Majestic. Peace-filled and calm. Everything in its place--the rivers the mountains--trees square around quaint communities.

These communities, surely bustling, many worlds feeling shaken, perhaps alone and invisible. But I see them. I am watching them as I wonder. Who lives there, and what is their story? Do they feel lost, as I? 

Though their roads feel rocky, I see....  Everything in it's place just so. And dozens of boxes in view of one tiny window....  So when we feel alone? 

Just know, that we are not.


In the Raw

Laying in bed, my heart rips open. Alone, in a house filled with people. Who love. I remember the days when every moment felt like this..and I send a little prayer up for you. My heart hurts, knowing my perspective is far less shattered then most. Then yours. Why me? Why have I been sheltered from a painful life? I ask myself this often..and yet, I carry the burdens of a heart deeply wounded--so broken and void of love--always left to wonder... Why do I hurt where I have not endured pain..? I was loved, and I am, and forever I will be. Yet everyday a FIGHT to understand what this means, this love. A gathering of a loss. A loss unknown.... My heart is broken. For me. For you. For this world so misunderstanding of love. True love. Gods perfect love, mutated by sin into beastly monsters... They. Are not love. These monsters we receive, destroy our hearts making it impossible for us to know true love.. Oh God, kill these monsters! Breathe life. We want to LIVE. To love. To love to live.


Have You Ever Felt So Afraid...?

Have you ever felt so afraid to lose yourself,  you clung tight to all you are, desperate, each time you felt it tug?  I have, and I do. My husband has told me that I do not adapt to change well....  I'm beginning to see that he is right.   The past 6 years have been a struggle to define, and re-find myself as I cautiously step into new roles as wife and  mother, hanging on to what little bits of self I liked before it all changed again; fearful that these tiny pieces of me will get tossed amongst the diapers-- or worse...mysteriously disappear along with the other 32 socks--their partners stashed away, waiting patiently for  a reunion (but we know full well where this is going..).   

I fear that I will wake up one day, pull on my stretchy mom-jeans and pilly t-shirt, with my hair pulled back, and wonder: "Who is this woman?"  And what if I don't like her much?  What if she fails in these new roles, with more at the mercy of her choices? But worst of all, What if she hasn't changed at all?  Ridiculous, maybe; yet these are the lies that hold me back--again, getting in the way of myself.

But as I wrestle with these doubts a still, small voice inside me assures that this woman I am afraid to embrace--well, she is capable of far more than I have ever given her credit for....  And her life--far more exciting than the one already lived...

Weep not, My Love, thou art not lost. 
But it is I, who's payed the cost.
Take my hand, and drop thy fears;
Released to soar above my tears.

Allow Me, My Love; and be set free
as I gather shards of thee.
This life mournest thou, of falling hard;
give this to me--thy throbbing heart...

I cherish it--and her full desire;
but in my hands, it shall set fire!
With fears relieved, and heart ablaze;
'Tis I who marks thy noble days.

Of peace and joy, and beauty ripe,
Thou shalt blaze trails, and be my light!
But for this joy to set in thee,
The time is now, to hearken me.

I relish trust, thy love, and song;
but cannot work whilst thou hangs on.
So hear me, Love; and let it go...
More life awaits than thou dost know.