Quiet Time

Well, it's shortly after 1am, my family is sleeping, and although I could barely make it through the day earlier without my little catnap, here I perch, chewing up precious sleep hours to try and squeeze in a quiet moment, to access my outlet. Yet I cannot, my mind overwhelmed with pent up frustrations, unable to express them. Exhausted, fighting the urge to let sleep prevail...

I open my daily devotional, and here is what is written for the day of December 10:

"There may be many times when I reveal nothing, command nothing, give no guidance. But your path is clear, and your task, to grow daily more and more into the knowledge of Me. That this quiet time with Me will enable you to do.

I may ask you to sit silent before Me, and I may speak no word that you could write. All the same that waiting with Me will bring comfort and Peace. Only friends who understand and love each other can wait silent in each other's presence.

And it may be that I shall prove our friendship by asking you to wait in silence while I rest with you, assured of your Love and understanding. So wait, so love, so joy." God Calling, A.J.Russell, Editor

Beautiful words, speaking directly to the frustrations of my soul. Another blaring nudge as to exactly what I need to get out of this slump. As ridiculous as it may sound, I weep with joy over these gentle words, the sincerity of God knocking me over the head with them.... He cares; He misses me, and he has been trying to tell me in so many ways, yet I deny Him my heart yet again, and again. He. Misses. Me. Words I have been longing to hear for months, yet words I still struggle to accept.

I may be a sleep-deprived wreck tomorrow, but there is coffee and grace for that. I miss my friend, and wish not to keep him waiting much longer....

Back in the swing

Well, here we are at our first “sorta” day back to some kind of a routine after a long weekend…Jon at work, Quinn home from school, Hilton playing noisily, yet contently by himself, and Solomon deciding that today is the day that he wants to cry after only a moments rest…. My baby has been so delightfully perfect up until this point, I find myself confused, as though I have never been here before…! But yet again, I find myself exactly where I was 2 and a half years ago…wiping poop off of my daughter’s bum while my baby boy cries..(plus, a bouncing soon-to-be-3 year old, who by the grace of God has mastered the art of self-entertainment, despite the putrid smell emitting from his pull-up).

Did I mention that she is 4? Just when I think we’re making progress, she seems to forget what we’ve set out to do…and then I get frustrated. If I have learned anything in the past 2 years, it is that I have to walk away in my frustration for fear of losing control…. Does this teach her anything about going to the bathroom to her bodies cues? No, but hopefully it teaches her that tantrums are not okay (okay, so I’m just hanging onto the hope that I’m doing something right in all of this... Anything!)

So, with that being said, perhaps you will no longer judge me (or anyone, for that matter) the next time you hear that my son is turning 3 next month, and I do my bare minimum in the matters of potty training. Some may even be shocked to hear that in my exhaustion, have admittedly discouraged him from using the toilet!

Well, I think my babe’s finally crying for something that I can offer him, my daughter’s hollering from the bathroom, and my son is in desperate need of attention…. Oh, and didn’t I have a cup of coffee around here somewhere, I wonder where I put that?

Hmm...I had a point I was eventually hoping to get to, but I guess when you leave your thoughts behind long enough, you eventually forget what you came for. Seems I've been doing a lot of that lately.

Re-findingjoy...

When I started my blog, I had hoped to make it a meaningful resource offering rejuvenation, depth and inspiration, yet as I find myself writing less and less in the midst of my life becoming busier and busier, I am coming to the realization that a little can take me a long ways. In a meek attempt at getting more value out of my time I am making another effort towards replacing those distractions that have yet again taken me away from my true self, and my family. So instead of feeling overwhelmed by the reality that I lack the energy to write an entire chapter of my story, I begin, yet again, one moment at a time.

To Make It A Good One

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve checked in, and although I’ve sat here many times, I’ve concluded that I have been afraid to write what I didn’t have to say. There are some places, as I am learning, where I am not yet ready to be real. To maintain the integrity of my thoughts, and what this blog means to me, I’d rather just not say anything at all then bull shit my way through. I do enough of that in life, I would like to keep my on-line world somewhat true-to-self. Seems a little backwards, doesn't it? Well, we're workin' on it.

’09 ended in a bit of a bust, and here we are in 2010. The year began with us pondering the question as posed by my husband: “when was the last year we could say ‘Yeah, that was a good year?” Kind of a bummer question to ask on the partiest night of the year, I thought. My answer, bless my heart: “Just look at how we’ve grown…” which might as well have been “wuah wuah wuah, wuahhh...”.

After all we’ve weathered these past 5 years, I was a little disappointed (an understatement) to hear of his utter discontent, but then I realized, telling a man that “success is not measured by your ability to provide” is like telling a woman that “your beauty lies within”. We all know it, and expect our loved ones to believe it, but somewhere lodged between our comprehension of common sense and intuition, we find what seems to be "the exceptional rule", as applied to self. Consistently investing countless hours into primping and stressing, spending and worrying…desiring to make ourselves beautiful.

And with deep empathy, I kind of had to give this one to hubby. This is a man who had dreams of retiring by 30 (which I LOVE, btw, this gift of his to dream fearlessly!), only to come to the realization that what he had just spent the last 2 years trying to create was crumbling before him, he was burning out, turning 30, and on his own. Our hopes of becoming homeowners; our desire to spend summers camping, and holidaying with family; and our much discussed “Y” memberships and date nights…all sacrificed…and for what? In his words: “…to end up exactly where we were 2 years ago” (At which point I had to bite my tongue at his growing frustration towards my optimism). For any man, not an easy pill to swallow. This could have gone 1 of 2 ways, and I am so proud of him for stepping up, and taking it in the direction he did… Forward. And with that, we’ve made a list. A “Stuff to Make 2010 a Good Year” sorta list. I list which I am very excited about, although we dare not call them “Goals” or “resolutions.” This being the year that the mother-in-law’s annual “Goals and Resolutions” assignment is axed, it might be too much to admit to his mom that we’ve actually written a list this year. =] It's a pride thing.

A few ideas:
- live healthier
- kids in lessons, swimming, dance, etc..
- walk the dog regularly (and he'll need it after the tub of margarine he snatched this afternoon!)
- register potential business name
- more time together/ one-on-one time with the kids
- menu plan
- simplify clutter
- repaint living area
- create more
- invite friends over
- spend time with our nieces and nephew
- volunteer
- get off my ass to stay on top of housework
- get prints made of my art—or at least find a local company

A simple list. Normal things that we just find ourselves too exhausted to do lately. Do-able, I would say. (What good is a list that you can't cross items off of anyway?)

Truth is, as I step into this New Year, I find myself feeling lost and overwhelmed. As I ponder potential possibilities, and the randomness of my own dreams, I wonder where it might take me…. I long to feel “at home,” yet I remain disjointed from my community, overcompensating in the details that will make my house feel “homey”. I may have learned to start loving myself, but I still don’t know how to let others love me…still guarded, afraid. I struggle to understand my purpose, so I “embrace my gifts”; throwing them together in a hodge-podge of ideas. A mess. I have been so out of focus, and the more I try to zoom in, the more I see myself running around like a headless chicken, fresh off the block.

I guess my one greatest desire for this year will be to find a level of comfort in connecting the thoughts on this blog to the conversations I have with others, and the relationships I create from them. To be able to trust someone long enough to let them help me figure this out. Its one thing to talk the talk, but it takes something else to walk the walk; and to know that I have what is needed would mean a difference, I know that much. And from there maybe I can learn how to start living my life, rather then letting it live me. ...Maybe...? I guess we'll see. =]